To Tell The Truth!

Honestly I don't know what to think about you anymore! Once upon a time I thought there might be something between the two of us but now I'm beginning to wonder. One minute you're calling me pet names then I don't hear from you for long periods of time. What am I suppose to think? Am I a fill in for when you don't have someone in your life or is there a chance that you do have fillings for me but you just don't know how to show them. Either way I really wish I knew because I don't need my feelings played with. If you don't you know that it's ok, it's not like I'm going to spend my nights crying for you or my days dreaming about you. Just tell me if you plan on staying or going.

Numb

I have no idea how I feel right now there are so many emotions flowing through my body! There is a lot of anger and grief. February of this year I posted "Letter to Elly" it was written to friend who died on the plane the crashed in Buffalo. Yesterday would have been Elly's 25th birthday that in itself is hard to handle but tonight I go onto CNN.com to find an article about that very crash. The article states that the crash was due to pilot failure, turns out that not only did the pilot fail to preform regular safety procedures, but he also failed to mention that he failed some type of test 3 times instead of the 1 time he did mention. According to news article if the company would have known he failed 3 times instead of the 1 he never would have been put in the cockpit! So because of this mans self issues or whatever you want to call is 49+ people died, one of them being my best friend's childhood best friend. Like I said I don't even know what to feel!

Is it a lie or truth?

A smile can hide a thousands pains just as the sands can hide a thousand treasures.

Update of my life?!

Well let's see it's been 5 weeks since my last post! WOW! Has very much happened in that time? No not really. I've babysat, housesat, run errands, and I've been going to church. I'm doing Alive and Pipeline, and I'm thinking of going the praise team. I'm still looking for a job and I need one BAD! So for all you prayers out there please be praying I find a job, & that my sister can find a better job!

Oh one AWESOME thing was my friend won this thing to get 20 free tickets to the Night of Joy at Disney! So Tim, my brother, and I along with 18 other people got to go for free and it was so great! The rides were great the Tower of Terror and the Rockin Roller-coaster, amazing! Then there were the concerts, Flyleaf, Family Force 5, and SKILLET!!!!! They were all great, but Skillet just OMGoodness. John Cooper, the lead singer, commissioned the crowed to stop sitting on the sidelines and waiting for others to do it or join them in being on fire for God. He said that other people won't always step up or stand behind but that doesn't matter because we already have the greatest companion that one could ask for in the Lord. So that was good times. I made new friends that are a God send.

Moving on from there, not to much else has happened. Maria, Tim, and Laura made my birthday really nice. Laura called a lot which was really nice, and Maria, Tim, and I went to the movies and just hung out for the day. It was really nice.

nondiscript

I'm feeling very I don't know. I don't want to say that I'm feeling depressed right now cause I don't think that's it. I feel like someone took just about every emotion one can feel threw them all in a blender and now there's this big emotion smoothie except this doesn't really taste that great. Over the past month I've gotten a wake up call to old memories, some good and some not. I don't know if it's the emotions of those old memories flooding back combined with all the new ones, but I know that my brain is on overload. The whole idea of now having to look for a job and figuring out the school thing is making my go crazy. There are times where I feel like I'm watching my life pass me by and I don't like where I'm headed. I've spent most of my life working, sometimes I felt like I was working for me, but most times it's for someone else. I wish I knew how to work it all at because at times like this God feels very far away and I don't know what it is He wants me to do.

Little Squirt

I can still hear him calling me little squirt at Kristy's wedding and I can remember all the drives from Buffalo to Rochester and vice versa, all the times we went out for breakfast or lunch whether it was Laura, Maria, and me or just Laura and me. He may not have been my blood grandfather but he was always Grumpy. To this day no one really knows why that's his nickname because he was always one of the happiest people I had ever known. Grumpy was a great man and he treated me and my sister like his own grand-daughters and my mom like a daughter and I know that if he would have known my brother he would have treated him just like a grand-son. Grumpy you will be missed very much and you will continue to be loved. You are in a better place and I know that you are still smiling down on us.

The song says it all for me right now

"The Time Of My Life"

I’ve been waiting for my dreams
To turn into something
I could believe in
And looking for that
Magic rainbow
On the horizon
I couldn’t see it
Until I let go
Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn
Now I’m coming alive
Body and soul
And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time
To be more than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

Holding onto things that vanished
Into the air
Left me in pieces
But now I’m rising from the ashes
Finding my wings
And all that I needed
Was there all along
Within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

So I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life

And I’m out on the edge of forever
Ready to run
I’m keeping my feet on the ground
My arms open wide
My face to the sun

I’ll taste every moment
And live it out loud
I know this is the time,
This is the time to be
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
I know this is the time
This is the time of my life
Time of my life
More than a name
Or a face in the crowd
This is the time
This is the time of my life.
This is the time of my life.

Freedom

Today is America's 233rd birthday although not as old as many other nations around the world this country has made it's own mark on history. Through out it's year this country has had moments of pride and moments of sham, moments of strength and moments of weakness, but for all of her ups and downs she has been blessed. As I watched the fireworks tonight all I could think of was how these fireworks echo the sounds of cannon's that were fired so many years ago in The American Revolution, a war fought in order to gain it's freedom from Britain rule in the late 1700's. Those cannon's echoed again in The War of 1812, again fought with the British Empire as a part of the Napoleonic Wars. From 1861-1865 the sound of cannon's could again be heard through out the land as our country went to war with itself fighting for more then just one cause, this battle was to put an end to slavery and because of the blood shed of it's own people it united this country once and for all. Wars that followed it was the sound of missiles instead of cannons, instead of muskets and rifles it was the sounds of Submachine guns and AK-47's that could be heard. Times have changed, thankfully we have not had a full out war fought on our land since WW II, but we have fought for other freedoms and other human rights. Woman's Right Movements and The Civil Rights Movements, which itself was just as bloody and terrifying as any war. Today we are fighting a different war, in 2001 President G.W. Bush declared a war on terrorism due to the attacks of September 11th, 2001. This day still remains in the front of many peoples memories, a day not easily forgotten. A war against terrorism is not easily defined because it comes with so many different faces. These wars the wars of our past and of our present can not begin to compare with the battle that will one day be fought, The Battle of Armageddon, the war that will end all wars. The final battle between Father of Darkness and the Creator of All Things, a battle I don't want to ever imagine.

In all these wars those of the past and those yet to come I think of those who have laid down their lives for the sake of this country, for the sake of freedom, of justice, and of human and civil rights. They are heros that are never to be forgotten whether their fight was on a field or in the streets, or the courtrooms, or even the churches. This country was won and built on the backs of it's people. Let's of never forget them, let's never forget the reason's they fought and gave of themselves.

This country is a blessed nation. We honor those who gave their lives but let us remember the One who gave us this country. If we take God out of everything because of "political correctness" then we have lost the greatest war to ever be fought. The war within our own hearts, minds, and souls. The day God is completely refused by His people is the day we no longer need fear terrorism, the rejection of a sovereign God, that is something to truly be afraid of.

Gr

grr Grr GRRRR
I think that's all I have to say right now without getting myself into trouble!

When is it enough?

Too many voices saying too many different things, maybe now I know how a schizophrenic feels, only these voices come from the lips of the many who just want to hear their own voice. How do I say enough is enough when I have so many responsibilities? Where can I find a place where who I am is accepted? My wings are not just clipped but their bond and tied, no one knows the power my wings poses or the beauty they hold. Even my voice, the voice I long to use to speak the truth is bottled up, unheard by those who only want to hear their own. How do I start the journey God has for me when I'm held captive by a place, a world, that demands such a high ransom? Is there anyone out there who will set me free, must I find my own means of escape or do I remain prisoner to those who can't and won't see me?

Concert!

The Taking Back Sunday/ANBERLIN concert Tuesday night was AMAZING!!!! TBS was ok but Anberlin was the best, of course seeing they are my favorite of the two I would say that, but I really do think they did the best job on stage. For those of you who don't know the the concert was moved from Janus Landing (my personal favorite venue) to The Ritz Ybor, which I think worked out better cause there were a lot of people there and it's was so hot outside, of course it was pretty dang hot out inside too, I haven't sweat that much in a while. I went with Alyson and Cody and we met Bubba and someone else there. The opening band, no idea what their name was, was not my favorite, but they weren't that bad, their style was a little more on the hard rock side compared to TBS and Anberlin, but the lead singer has dreads so that was a plus. There were people trying to do the whole crowd surfing thing, but security kept trying to put that to an end, I was very happy no one tried lifting me up, I might have punched someone out if they did. We did have a kinda close call when some half drunk chick tried starting something with Cody, but Alyson and I put a stop to that and I kept my eye on the girl cause she kept looking over at us and talking to some big guy. I'm still kinda bummed that I didn't meet anyone from either of the bands, we kinda left as soon as the concert was over so no posters either, but I'm hoping that Anberlin will be back in FL soon, seeing this is their home state. We got caught in the parking garage for an hour, which was Not fun at all, but still I had fun though and am looking forward to the next concert.

To Much...

This has been a week full of tears. From memories, to people leaving, to a changing point in a boys life. Everything is mixed up and crazy. Even now all I really want to do is cry some more and I don't really know what about, I just want a big thing of pop, chocolate, and whatever other comfort food I can get my hands on and I want to cry and eat... and watch a movie that will make me cry more. Grr!! I hate crying too. Someone, anyone, can I please just have a hug, I really don't know how much longer I can put on the strong face. I don't know, I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams world.

Are there words?

I'm not sure if I can find the words I need to say how powerful tonight was for me. Hearing Stephanie talk gave me a renewed strength that I thought I had lost a long time ago. She helped to restore courage that faded with each hurt that I've gained in the past few years, courage to look for the words to finish my own story and testimony. I maybe have a better understanding why God brought me to Florida, something I was really questioning a lot of late. Maybe now I can cry the tears I need to and some of those feelings that I've locked up so tight can begin to fade, wounds can heal and I can finally allow myself to feel the forgiveness that I need to feel for myself. 

Thank you, Daddy, for the life of others, thank you for being there in their trials so that they can be a light to others. Help me to live out the plan you've set before me, show me how to use the mistakes and the hurts of my past to serve and honor you and bring hope to those in pain. Thank you for the life of your son that makes me whole and white as snow. ~Amen   

Please I pray

Nothing constant remains

I can not break these chains.

There is no place for this 

ever changing face.

For my sake I will choose to

wake from this never ending dream.

With all the tears I shed I'll face my fears.

With dread I stand and forge ahead.

I bend knees in order to spread wings that

are tattered and torn.

My voice I pray be heard.

Father I cry out to you, Help me please I pray.

Please I pray, don't take it all away. 

Something To Fear

A silent watch at night lets shadows run free. As dawn breaks courage is reborn, what is it about the dark that makes fear take flight? I stand guard battling the dreams that haunt your sleep, I watch as you wake to another sunrise. Why do you let the fear of joy control your every step? On bended knees I pray for you to face your past for it only has you imprisoned if you hold out your wrists to be shackled. Take up the armor that was fashioned for you, hold up the sword forged just for you, go out and face the world that leaves you shaking, tackle your pride, stand up. Your Creator did not mold you in His image or breathe His life in you for you to run away. He has not left you defenseless to face your future alone, go now for destiny awaits you. Do not let your life pass you by for then it is a life truly wasted, and the Creator of all shall find another to do the task that was set before you and that, my child, is something to fear.

in pain... darn parts of the body

head in pain, feels like it just might explode! need to put out a missing persons for my nose because it's running, ears... while can't really hear because of the pressure.

great night at alive, needed wake up call, as always, JJ, i thank God for you and that he uses you to speak to me, you are always in my prayers.

Lord, please make my sinuses stop meaning mean to the rest of my body.

Seeing specialist about my allergies and sinus issues next week, can't wait...

good night

In A Nut Shell

My week from Sunday to Sunday in a nut shell. Last Sunday awesome, church was great and the Feather Get Together was a blast. Softball in bear feet, my brother staying and hanging out with me, getting to see friends, it was a nice day. Monday was alright as far as Mondays go. Tuesday was the greatest, painting was a lot of fun, I enjoy painting, playing music and just watching people interact with each other all the while feeling like I belonged. Going to Applebees after the painting was a lot of fun too. Wednesday got up early to put on a second layer of paint was also nice too, it was quite and I got to just worship in a way. Then it all went down hill, isn't that great? Thursday I ended up going up sick, spent the day sleeping and in the bathroom, the joy! Stayed home Friday started to feel better then night time came and spent the night in the bathroom again, woke up feeling a little better but not enough to do walk for life or go to the McNells (?) for the cook out and fun, so missed out there, got to take the cat's to the vets and "bomb" the house. Then started to lay down the floor only to find out my wall it bowed out, grrr. Watched 7 Pounds with the fam, then of course started to not feel good again. Went to bed, over slept for Church so I've spent today doing wash, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, and might lay down some flooring. Now there's one home, tears! Isn't that all just the best? Praying to be better enough to go back to work tomorrow cause there are no sick days left and all I want to do is get out of the house and do something fun!

Where are the words?

How do I express the joy I feel right now? How can I sing all the praises on my tongue? My God is great beyond what I can express. I feel at peace, there is no other word to use to describe what I feel right now, I feel as though I could put my head down to sleep and rest knowing that my God is in control but I also think that at any second I could leap off my chair and begin to dance to the song Jesus is writing in my life. Each note, each tone, each word in this symphony are unique, made just for me, two others know this song, the author and one who will share in it, someday. God's design for me is nothing like the world has ever seen before because this world does not know who I am and who I am going to be, nor do they know yet the work The Master has for me, but as He molds me and shapes me they will hear my voice, my cries, my words and they will come to know the God I serve. One day with the words that I write I will be able to let everyone know that my God reigns.

Awesome Truths

I went to college night at the church where I work and JJ just spoke so much truth tonight, a message I needed to hear. We learning about being pure and no I'm not talking about abstaining from sex, although that is a part of it all. Tonight we talked about pure worship and how it become a show with some people and places. We've let ourselves raise our hands and sing but the point of worship is lost, it's become a public display and it's wrong. If a person can not worship without eyes and really in the presents of God then they can't do it when the whole church/world/whomever is watching. He made a point about how people have become cynical and therefore jaded and vice versa which hit a nerve with me in a big way. I've always been cynical and I've been told that it's a gift because it help(s/ed) me discern truth from lie and fact from fiction. I could go into a church and just know if it was real which is a good thing but I'm a realist at the same time which isn't really good when it comes down to faith. I've let myself be jaded by this world and my cynical spirit grew and is to the point where I'm cynical of the very God I serve and it pains me to see what I've done and what I'm allowing myself to become. I need to change what I've become, redirect myself and go back to where I started messing up and not try to fix it but learn from it all and move on with my life. I need to stop saying I'm sorry and feeling bad for all the wrong. I'm going to make myself the person I need to be but only through the grace of God will it be possible.

Past the Point

I am past the point of being overwhelmed, tired, and stressed. I am again getting sick for about the 5th or 6th time since October, my upper back in tighter then any knot, and my cousin-in-law is head for Iraqi, not a good time at all. I'm sleeping on and air mat cause my mom is in my bed cause my grandpa came down to see us and my mom gave up her room. Now don't get me wrong I'm very happy that my grandpa is here I'm just not happy with waking up with my butt and lower back on the ground and my head and legs 3" from the ground! On top of that I think I might like someone but I'm not really sure, my best friend is back in NY and one of my favorite students is leaving my school because she's always getting sick too.
On a good note thought today is my sisters birthday and that was a good time, even though we didn't get to hang out that much, but I'm still glad that I got to be with her today. She is the greatest sister that I could ever ask for and I love her so very much.
Well good-night...I hope

Lost In Thought

So I'm sitting here at work with nothing to do really, all the kids have gone home and I'm waiting for College Group to start at 7:30 (I got done with work at 5:00). So I'm just thinking to myself about so many different things that my minds a blank...wait is that possible? I don't know but that the way it feels. I've spent about 2 days trying to find someone on facebook that I'd only met once and hung with (well danced with) for about 30 minutes, I gave him my name to look up on facebook but he hasn't yet and I'm wondering why I spent so much time looking for him, I know that I wouldn't mind getting to know him a little more cause like I said the other day he seemed pretty cool. I don't know if it's the lack of human contact or if I'm just that bored down here, maybe it's both. Everyday it's the same (or just about the same) get up go to work, go home, do nothing, Mondays I got to Karate then sit with a bunch of little people till my brother gets out of Boy Scouts, Thursdays I go to Karate, my weekends and other nights are filled with nothingness or babysitting. There's nothing else really, every maybe 2 weeks I might go out...might. I don't feel like I have any real friends here beside my family. Most people I know are way younger or married. I need to find a life or at lest my life, it needs a jump start like an eclectic shock to the heart to restart it.

Good Times

Right now I'm about ready to fall over due to lack of sleep but I've had a really great weekend so I think I'll make myself a hot cup of Joe...speaking of Joe I met a guy last night at the Hard Rock and he seemed pretty cool. I was at the Hard Rock for my friend Jenn's "bachelorette" party, I say it in quotes cause her hubby to be was there, but it was still a good time. Joe and I danced towards the end of the night, probably when my poor feet were starting to hurt the most from wearing high heels all night, but still it was fun. I gave him my name and told him to look me up on facebook and I kinda hope he does it would be nice to hang out with some one. Well I think that's it for now, tomorrow starts another week so I'm going to try to get stuff done, haha.

Life?!

Right now for some reason I feel completely alive which is really nice seeing there has been a death and good many other hardships the past few weeks. There have been mountains to climb and sometimes finding the strength to keep climbing has been trying in it's self but I know that once I get to the top the view will be worth all the tears. I thank God in it all though because I've had people by my side and I've been able to be at people's side as well and that sometimes makes all the difference in the world. While I think that's it for now.

Letter to Elly Now Passed From Us

Letter to Elly Now Passed From Us
February 12, 2009

Dear Elly,
Although we did not know each other well and memories we have of our times together are dim and far between the stories and memories of you life will live on till there is no one left on this earth to tell them, but then we’ll be making new ones with you in a place where there is no hunger, no pain, and no death.
Your life, as short as it was, held meaning and truth, the very nature of what you wanted to be, a lawyer, a Christian lawyer, proves you went after truth and justice, in a world were both are so often lacking.
Tears and longing for you may go on for a long time but there will be joy that breaks through those sad moments as we remember and celebrate that life that you lived to its fullest. As you said good-bye in those last moments you walked through Heaven’s Gates and entered the embrace of a God who loves you so very much. Be at peace dear Elly. You will be missed and you will always be loved.
Love,
Beth

In Memory of Elly Kausner
December 13, 1984-February 12, 2009
Victim of the 2009 Clearance Center Plane Crash
Clarence Center, New York